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SELLER: Gavin Newsom and Jennifer Siebel Newsom
LOCATION: San Francisco, CA
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 3,051 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This may be old news to all the Bay Area real estate crazies but those who don't regularly peruse the San Francisco, CA property blogs may not already know that Gavin Newsom, the slick former mayor of San Fran and current Lieutenant Governor of California, has done sold his house in the Ashbury Heights 'hood and decamped to Marin County where he and the missus–actress Jennifer Siebel–have temporarily moved into her wealthy parents' mansion in the leafy and upscale community of Ross.

Young, rich and extraordinarily well-connected Mister Newsom–his family is all knotted up with the oil rich and scandal-plagued Getty family–was a millionaire vintner, restaurateur and hotelier before 2004 when he ascended with great fanfare and social media buzz to the mayorship of San Francisco. Much to the chagrin of the seven social conservatives in San Francisco, Mister Newsom single-handedly launched gay marriage into the national mainstream media in 2004 when he legalized gay marriage within the city limits. That gay party didn't last long thanks to various legal actions and Proposition 8 and neither did Mister Newsom's first marriage to boob-toob hostess Kimberly Guilfoyle. That toothy pair went kaput in 2006 amid rumors (and later revelations) of an extra-marital affair with the wife of a close associate.

He went to rehab and, in early 2006, Mister Newsom coughed up $2,350,000 for a 1 bedroom and 1.5 pooper penthouse bachelor pad at the Bellair Tower, a swank and soo-blime 1930s Art Deco-style building on Russian Hill. A little over two years later he hitched his romantic wagon to actress Jennifer Siebel's love train and together they settled into the Mister Newsom's Bellair Tower penthouse. Seven months later the missus turned up with a bun in an oven and in April 2009 they couple put their baby-unfriendly 1 bedroom aerie on the market with a price tag of $2,995,000. According to the peeps at Property Shark the lucky Newsoms sold the penthouse four short weeks later for $2,935,000.

It was also about this time that Mister Newsom announced his bid to be Governor of California, a candidacy endorsed by fellow philanderer Bill Clinton. He bailed out of that race in the fall of 2009–later won by old-school lefty-lib Jerry Brown–but succeeded in his subsequent run for his current job as Lieutenant Governor.

Property records show that Mister and Missus Newsom purchased their house in the Ashbury Heights neighborhood in June 2009 for $2,738,000. Shortly after that he put another shorty in his lady-wife's belly and they decided their Ashbury Heights home was not longer suitable for their growing family. When we chit-chatted with out S.F.-based b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau about Mister Newsom's house she hissed and cooed and stomped her Lucite-heeled feet about how close it is to Buena Vista Park, one of San Francisco's most notorious gay cruising parks. You should have heard her go on. Your Mama had to hang up the damn phone on that madwoman from Chaillot. (No matter what Fiona says–and beehawtcha says plenty–Your Mama is not making any implications of any kind about Mister Newsom's naughty bizness proclivities.) Anyhoo, the completely renovated but child unfriendly residence appeared on the open market on the 7th of July (2011) for $2,750,000. Four days later the property went into escrow and, according to the good folks at Redfin, the house sold on July 13 for its full asking price.

Listing information shows the fully detached residence measures 3,051 square feet over three floors and includes a total of 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. The residence, originally built in 1915, has a new-fangled and pukey stucco exterior but the some of the Edwardian architectural elements such as the bowed window make Your Mama think this house might have once been much more attractive in its original state.

A stone staircase to the right of the front-facing two-car attached garage (with desirable direct entry to the house) climbs to a small front porch where the front door opens into the entrance hall with old-timey architectural details smoothed out with gleaming white paint, blond herringbone patterned wood floors and built-in built-in bock cases filled mostly with the sort of stuffy leather-bound books that nobody actually reads. The main staircase winds around to the second floor with an aggressive, eye poking star burst-pattern wrought iron banister that Your Mama rather likes for its overt but pretty anger.
The formal living room, dining room and kitchen all pinwheel around the entrance hall that includes, as per the floor plan included with marketing materials (above), a windowed powder pooper tucked up under the stairs. The living room, done up with a Hollywood Regency sort of glam, includes a carved wood fireplace flanked by a pair of funky hooded bergeres and a bowed bay with four sets of French doors that lead to a small planted terrace. The recently remodeled and light-flooded kitchen–a little too open to the entrance hall for our particular taste–has bone colored granite counter tops, high-grade stainless steel appliances–natch–a center work island/snack counter, and dark gray cabinetry that reaches blessedly all the way to the ceiling and includes a bank of wonderfully tall glass fronted cabinets perfect for displaying kitchenware and booze bottles.

A staircase descends from the kitchen to the lower level where two potential bedrooms share an awkwardly split bathroom that has the sink and terlit on one side of the hall and a shower cubby on the other. We gleaned from listing photos that Mister and Missus Newsom used one room for guests and the other as a family room area that includes a double-sided gas fireplace flanked by French doors that open the room to a partially covered terrace.

The uppermost floor contains two craftily laid out bedroom suites, each with private facility, that share a small sitting/sun room. The smaller suite at the front of the house has a entrance hall with closets, luxe bathroom with lots of windows and a pair of French doors to open to a small semi-circular terrace. The master suite also has a proper foyer–how much do we l.o.v.e. a bedroom with a foyer?–two terraces, a pair of walk-in closets and a bathroom with a shower room that could easily accommodate 3 or 4 people.

While in the heart of the city, the property has surprisingly generous outdoor space. In addition to the five terraces and patios there's a fenced patch of grass that runs alongside the house. Perhaps it's only just large enough to accommodate the sort of jungle gym multi-millionaires buys for their off-spring, there's certainly plenty of room for a couple of long-bodied bitches to scramble around and do their dirty business.

Some of the home's top-notch systems include dual on-demand water heaters, seismic upgrades, wiring for surround sound and a security system that includes closed-circuit cameras mounted around the house.

Mister and Missus Newsom, it seems, have some serious real estate good luck when it comes to selling their homes pronto.

Although it's not clear why Mister and Missus Newsom moved to Marin–into her parents' house no less–and didn't just lease or buy a larger home in the city. Perhaps they don't care to raise their kids in the city. Or maybe, as suggested by at least one Bay Area gossip, he plans to vie for the congressional seat that Marin County Rep. Lynn Woolsey may (or may not) soon relinquish. Whatever the reason(s) Your Mama highly doubts it has a damn thing to do with their finances so all you people who want to speculate he moved in with his in-laws because he can't make his mortgage will most certainly be barking up the wrong tree. Nor do we see the family packing their bags for Sacramento. If we were the betting type–and we're not–we'd wager half a donkey and two scoops of beans that the Siedel-Newsom clan will settle down in a big house with a big yard in a fancy community not too far from her parents residence in Ross. Just a hunch. We shall see.

listing photos: McGuire Real Estate

SELLER: Michael C. Hall
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,995,000
SIZE: 3,525 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 full, 1 half and 1 one-quarter bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday, after a long drive home down the dramatic and sunny California coast, Your Mama decided to jump right back in the celebrity real estate saddle and spent a few minutes perusing some of the newer listings in Los Angeles. We quickly came across a contemporary crib in the star-stocked Outpost Estates neighborhood described on current listing information as a "celebrity-owned" and the celebrity owner, as per our rudimentary research, is accomplished stage and screen actor Michael C. Hall who has his hillside house in the Hollywood Hills up for grabs with a $1,995,000 price tag.

Mister Hall, in case y'all don't know, has a background in the thee-ay-tuh and has tread the boards both on and off Broadway in scores of musical productions like Chicago and any number of Shakespearean ditties. His big Showbiz break came in the early Aughts when he was cast as a conflicted and closeted homosexual funeral home director on Six Feet Under. Currently and for the last six seasons Mister Hall has shaken his good-lookin' money maker as a creepy, blood splatter pattern analyst who also happens to be a vigilante serial killer on Dexter, a role that has earned him five Emmy nominations and four Golden Globe nominations (plus one Golden Globe win).

Property records indicate Mister Hall purchased his Outpost Estates residence in April 2008 for $1,750,000. This was just 7 or 8 months before he married Jennifer Carpenter who plays his adoptive sister on Dexter. The couple announced they'd split up in late 2010 and their union was officially and legally terminated in December 2011. The divorce may (or may not) have something to do with Mister Hall putting his L.A. home on the market.

Current listing information shows the three-story house, tucked into a steep, up-sloping lot on a quiet and curvaceous canyon road, was originally built in 1933 and was the private residence of master mid-century modern architect Hal Leavitt from 1964 to 2004. There are a total of 4 bedrooms and 3 full and one half and one quarter bathroom, according to marketing materials.

The main floor entry sits high above the street with a half flight stairs that descend into the voluminous, living room with fireplace, blond wood floors, pitched and painted wood-beam ceiling, and over-sized windows with canyon and mountain views. The original dining room is now a sitting room  with built-in wet bar with open shelving, and the existing dining room was added at the back of the house with a plaid-like pattern of wood beams and sky-lights overhead and a wide glass slider that connects to the terraced backyard entertainment areas.

The fully-updated eat-in kitchen, also at the back of the house, has grey Italian tile flooring, sleek but warm walnut cabinetry, taupe-colored subway tile back splashes, some sort of engineered stone counter tops, high-grade commercial-style appliances (most but not all of which are stainless steel), and a cozy, sky-lit space for informal meals.

The four bedrooms are well-separated for privacy and include two guest/family bedrooms (plus at least one pooper) on the upper level, a main floor master suite with canyon view and sky-lit bathroom with walnut cabinetry and sea foam green tile work, and a possible fourth bedroom on the lower level with cork flooring and built-in bench seating. Mister Hall outfitted the lower level bedroom (with attached facility) with various body fitness devices to keep his muscles firm.

A lounging terrace tucked between the back of the house and the raised swimming pool has a built-in barbecue center and built-in fire pit. A concrete stair and path climbs up the hillside and around the back of the pool to an elevated dining terrace cantilevered over the plunge-sized swimming pool.

Mister Hall's neighborhood is well-known for its celebrity residents (and homeowners) who include surrealist filmmaker David Lynch, new mommy actress Charlize Theron, British action flick stud Jason Statham (who bought his house last year from Ben and Christine Stiller), octogenarian bon vivant, author/esssayist and social commentator Gore Vidal, Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy. Both Orlando Bloom and Kyle Maclachlan own homes in the Outpost Estates and have attempted to lease them out at various times.

listing photos: The Agency

SELLER: Richard Perry
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $12,750,000
SIZE: 5,935 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Legendary music producer Richard Perry has quietly hoisted his long-time Los Angeles, CA residence, perched on a private knoll on a narrow, curving street just above the Sunset Strip, on the open market with an asking price of $12,750,000.

Mister Perry's high-flying, professional salad days were unquestionably the 1970s an 80s when he produced more than a dozen gold and platinum albums for music industry movers and shakers such as Rod Stewart, Barbra Streisand, Carly Simon, Diana Ross, Leo Sayer, Neil Diamond, Martha Reeves and Captain Beefheart. Although the septuagenarian still keeps his professional toe in the water, nowadays he's more likely to be most familiar with gossip glossy readers as the very tan man-friend of still-sizzling-at-75 Jane Fonda.

Property records aren't specific as to when Mister Perry acquired his Sunset Strip residence or how much music industry moolah he coughed up for it but current listing information shows the gated estate was originally built in 1942—for Ronald Reagan and first wife Jane Wyman—and occupies an elevated .72 acre hillock with nearly unobstructed 340-degree views over the twinkling lights of Tinseltown.

The main house, set high above the street on a steep bluff, measures in at a sizable but hardly huge 5,935 square feet, and includes a total of 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms; a paneled formal living room with fireplace; formal dining room; library; wine cellar; indoor and out door spas; and a master suite with fireplace and dual poopers. At least one room in the house has a boozer-friendly, built-in wet bar and walls lined floor to ceiling with scads of photographs of famous people and gold records.

Listing information shows the property offers upwards of ten off-street parking spaces along the wide, gated driveway that swoops up past the north-south aligned lighted tennis court and around the front of the house to a small motor court and three-car garage. The swimming pool and adjacent Balinese-style pool pavilion are somewhat awkwardly situated across the driveway on a large flat plateau.

Some of Mister Perry's nearby neighbors include English actor Michael York, decorator/restaurateur Lynn von Kersting—co-owner of showbiz industry eatery The Ivy on Robertson Boulevard—and movie producer John Goldwyn and his hotelier man-mate Jeff Klein who owns the chic, celeb-stocked Sunset Tower Hotel.

Miz Fonda decamped Atlanta a few years ago and rented an apartment in Los Angeles at the star-studded Sierra Towers building just off the Sunset Strip where other high-profile condo owners include (but are not limited to) pickled and preserved Showbiz and music industry icons like Sharon Osbourne, Cher, Joan Collins, Diahann Carol and Elton John.

The children may recall Your Mama discussed Miz Fonda's airy, art- and crafts-filled loft in Atlanta—with its mortifying Pepto-Bismal-pink, womb-like entrance hall—back in May 2010 when it was first put on the open market with an asking price of $4,500,000. Unfortunately for Hanoi Jane, the 4,764 square foot loft hasn't yet appealed to a buyer and the price has plummeted to $1,195,000.

Miz Fonda recently told former D-list turned B-plus-list comedienne Kathy Griffin that she hasn't spent a single night in her rented 1 bedroom and 1.5 bathroom rental, preferring instead to shack up at Mister Perry's pad from where she said she can see her (unused) apartment from the bathroom window.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker / Beverly Hills South

SELLER: Craig Kilborn
BUYER: Jed Root
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,900,000
SIZE: 2,874 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last night, while we nursed our frayed and frazzled fireworks nerves with a extra-strong nerve pill and a super-sized gin & tonic, Your Mama perused some of the recently sold homes in some of the more expensive zip codes in Los Angeles, CA. Soon enough we ran across a walled and gated Spanish-style casa perched on a hillside near the West Hollywood mouth of Laurel Canyon sold in March (2012) by (former) talk show host Craig Kilborn.

But for a very brief and unsuccessful comeback in 2010 (The Kilborn File), Mister Kilborn has been—for all intents and purposes—a Showbiz non-entity since 2004 when he opted not to continue his five year run as the host of The Late Show, now hosted by Craig Ferguson. Prior to The Late Show Mister Kilborn hosted The Daily Show—now anchored by smirky comedian and political pundit Jon Stewart—and previous to that, way back in the mid-1990s, he late night anchored some sports-related program on the ESPN.

Property records show Mister Kilborn acquired his (nor former) West Hollywood home while still the (presumably well-compensated) host of The Late Show in May 2001. He paid $2,495,000 for the property and first put it on the open market in mid-September 2011 with an asking price of $3,495,000. The price plummeted to $3,095,000 before a buyer stepped up and coughed up, as per prop records, $2,900,000 the take the property off his hands.

The buyer, according to property records, is a New York-based fella named Jed Root. His won't be a household name for most of the children not engaged in the back-biting business of glamour, but in the beauty and Showbiz industries Mister Root is a well-known mover and shaker who owns and runs an eponymous artist management agency that represents a slew of successful photographers, makeup artists and stylists of all types (clothing, hair, props, etc.).

He and a partner (Tracey Christian) recently opened a satellite office in Los Angeles—hence the west coast residential outpost—that also encompasses a full-service talent agency already signed on clients that include like Busta Rhymes, a couple of the (sometimes bizarrely volatile) women from Basketball Wives reality show franchise and Grammy-winning singer/songwriter turned realtity tee-vee star turned vibrator entrepreneur Khandi Burress.

Anyhoo, listing information from the time of the sale does not indicate square footage—the L.A. County Tax Man pegs it at 2,874—but does show the two-story hillside house was built in 1927 (or maybe 1929), sits on .3 landscaped acres, and contains 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms slathered in vibrant, vintage (or vintage-looking) Malibu tiles.

Stair risers throughout the house are also lined with multi-colored (and drop dead dee-voon) Malibu tiles that pop off the dark chocolate hardwood floors that run throughout most of the lower level and include a step-down, barrel-vaulted living room with French doors and monumental carved stone fireplace; a step-up formal dining room with backyard access through a bank of French doors; and a swank, center-island eat in kitchen with Shaker-style cabinetry, grey-flecked granite counter tops, and high-grade stainless steel appliances that include two dishwashers and a cook-friendly six-burner range with two ovens and a griddle.

A funny butler's pantry/sitting room off the kitchen has a massive, carved wood wet bar (with dual wine fridges and connects to a compact den/boob-toob lounge with putty-colored walls, wood-beamed ceiling, built-in book cases and entertainment center, and a couple of well-worn, bachelor-brown leather sofas. A curtained archway in the den leads back around to the living room allowing for, Feng Shui adherents will appreciate, a constant flow of chi.

The second floor master suite has a low-looking ceiling, an awkwardly located fireplace, and lots of multi-paned windows with sliver city views. The attached bathroom, slathered in vintage Malibu tiles, offers twin pedestal sinks, each set into its own tiled niche, a separate soaking tub and multi-head stall shower lined with sensational surgical gown green-colored tiles. Two additional up upstairs bedrooms—one with an adjoining sitting room in the turret—share an olive green and sea blue tiled bathroom.

The fully, carefully and meticulously maintained multi-level grounds include a detached, street-level garage for two cars; a double-gated stair that climbs up to the front door set into a charming covered porch; numerous, paver-tiled terraces around the house and up on the hillside; a fountain or two; and a petite swimming pool and spa nestled into the thickly planted up slope at the back of the property.

When Mister Kilborn first hoisted his house on the market the kids at Curbed did a bang up job with their celebrity real estate due diligence and figured out the house was owned in the late 1960s by actor Dennis Hopper who published a book of photographs (1712 North Crescent Heights) he snapped of his family and (often famous) friends during the time occupied the premises.

We'll let the children get churlish and ugly about the whys and whatnots of the matter, but property records show Mister Kilborn has downsized considerably in Los Angeles. In March 2012 he spent $1,080,000, according to the property records we peeped, to snatch up a perfectly charming but far less impressive 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom single-story Spanish style residence conveniently—or at least centrally—located in the Fairfax District a couple blocks from the The Grove and The Farmer's Market.

Listing information for the 1,590 square foot casa shows it was built in 1925 and includes a living room with barrel vaulted ceiling and Bachelder tile fireplace, formal dining room, and an eat-in kitchen with direct access to the sycamore-shaded backyard that has room for a swimming pool but did not, at the time of Mister Kilborn's purchase, have a swimming pool.

In addition to his new west coast outpost, Mister Root also maintains a 5th floor loft residence in an area of SoHo jam-packed with swank shoppy-shops and chic boo-teeks as well as a secluded Catskills retreat situated a short bit north of hippy-dippy Woodstock, NY and just outside the itty-bitty, arty-farty and historic hamlet of Palenville, the fictional home of Rip van Winkle and 19th-century locus of Hudson River School artists such as Thomas Cole and Frederic Church.

listing photos (Laurel Canyon): The Agency
listing photos (The Grove): Coldwell Banker

SELLER: Agyness Deyn
LOCATION: Brooklyn, NY (Williamsburg)
PRICE: $2,175,000
SIZE: 2,911 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, it's a bit slow in the celebrity real estate world so, although the matter has already been previously discussed by plenty of other property gossips, we're going to tumble back in time to February (2012) when androgyne supermodel Agyness Deyn—the surprise new missus of actor Giovanni Ribisi, dontcha know—sold her decoratively downright batty but still thrilling and bewitching Brooklyn, NY loft for $2,175,000.

Why talk about it now, after all this time? Well, because we're both vexed and mesmerized by the memorable and unapologetically outlandish day-core.

The two unit combination crib, on the third floor of the so-called Mill Building in the heart of the Brooklyn's ur-hipster community of Williamsburg, was purchased, so the property records show, just a few days before Halloween in 2008 in two separate but equal transactions of $965,000 for a total spent of $1,930,000.

At that time chameleon-like model was in her mid-20s and at her professional pinnacle as part of a new wave of leggy manikins who emerged in the early- and mid-Aughts. In addition appearing in the pages and on the covers of scads of fashion rags from around the world, she's lucratively appeared in countless advertising campaigns for the likes of Blumarine, Burberry, Doc Martens, Vivienne Westwood, Giorgio Armani, Paul Smith and Uniqlo, to name just a few.

The still-busy model, now nearly 30, also dabbles in music—she was in a band called Lucky Knitwear; acting—she appeared in the sci-fi flick Clash of the Titans in 2010 and to positive reviews in The Leisure Society on London's West End in 2012; and design—she designed a line of jewelry with b.f.f. clothing designer Henry Hollandshe and she and her baby sister produced a line of graphic t-shirts sold at Uniqlo.

Listing information from late 2011,when she first hoisted the loft on the market with an asking price of $2,500,000, show Miss Deyn's old digs in Billyburg span a spacious 2,911 square feet with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. The L-shaped main living/dining space stretches a sensational 60-feet; the kitchen is expensively and well-equipped but oddly configured with the fridge is in an adjacent laundry room; and an Asian-infused mediation nook is accessed through a wacky circular cut out in a fully-mirrored wall (above).
 
Thin-strip hardwood floors that may or may not be original to the building run at a 45-degree angle throughout (most of) the quintessentially lofty loft blessed with voluptuous 13-foot ceilings, exposed iron columns and ceiling architecture, and 10 windows that drop dramatically almost to the floor and extend almost to the ceiling.

The 7-story former factory building requires 25% down payments and offers residents 24-7 door opening assistance plus a live-in super, video intercom entry systems, access to extra storage areas, on-site underground parking facilities, and a furnished roof deck with over the roof top views of Brooklyn and Manhattan. For all that (and whatever other services are provided by the building) the common charges for Aggy's loft run, as per listing information, $1,498 per month.

If you're a little tipsy, prone to dizzy spells and/or otherwise unable to stomach decidedly raucous but painstakingly curated decorative chaos we suggest you move quickly past the listing pictures because you will most certainly be disturbed by this fearlessly flamboyant feast of home habiliment eccentricity. It looks like the sort place Miss Havisham or Auntie Mame might live iffin she were a globe-circling and well-to-do supermodel-musician-actress or, maybe, a portly queen in a kimono who pads around and hums atonal arias

Although hardly decorative minimalists, neither Your Mama nor The Dr. Cooter could ever ever in a million years live amid this onslaught of frippery and finery. Do you see those utterly lurid ceramic flower-stool-things (above, right)? Those alone would surely drive Sober Sally to the liquor cabinet. And if those didn't the home-spun quilt laid over the quilted ottoman surely would.

None-the-less and despite what at first glance appears to be a hot mess of epic proportions—and arguably it is—Your Mama would happily spend hours and hours in boozy haze flopped around in the surprisingly cozy-looking main living and dining areas where a vast leopard print rug was brazenly coupled with raw burlap curtains and room dividers, where velvet brocade settees, ephemera-filled bell jars, and a wack-a-doodle donut-shaped dining table topped with mirrored obelisks and various other seemingly random objet are reflected like boho-Victorian flea market confetti in multiple mirrored walls.

The kitchen isn't the most practical-looking space, just a single strip of counter that can be can be hidden behind painted folding doors of the closet variety. But that's of little consequence, perhaps, since most catwalkers look like they don't eat more than a bit of crudité every couple of days and, of course, many New Yorkers eat out or order in every meal. Back in our New York days of yore Your Mama knew numerous storage-strapped folks who used their ovens not to cook but to stash shoes, sweaters and other odds and ends. Even still Miss Deyn's kitchen was expensively outfitted with top grade accoutrement like a custom-crafted stone sink and a baby blue range identified in marketing materials as a Lacanache but looks to Your Mama more like an equally artisinal and pricey CornueFé 110 in Provence blue (with satin chrome and polished copper trim) from La Cornue. That particular imported cooker, for anyone who might be curious, retails in the U.S. for around $8,600.

The smaller of the two bedrooms (above), a windowless space accessible, according to the floor plan, only by passing through the hall bathroom, has a quartet of corner cupboard storage cabinets and closets, patchwork-style marble and onyx tile floors and a wood bed of the likes we've never seen before set smack in the center of the room. It's fantastic to look at—so crazy—but we can't imagine ever having a proper night's sleep in there. Beyond the indignity of having to pass through the pooper to get to the bedroom, just imagine rolling over in the deep sleep of an early morning to catch a gauzy, booze-goggle glimpse of that bust next to the bed sitting there watching you sleep. Your Mama is quite certain that, with enough gin and exhaustion, we'd most certainly mistake that thing for an intruder, pull the pearl-handled pistol from beneath our pillow and shoot that damn thing until it was dead.

There are two doors between the main living space and the master bedroom, all done up in an under the ocean fantasia that looks a bit like how we imagine a modern-day Marie Antoinette might do up a beach house in the Hamptons. The walls and ceiling are covered in a Tiffany blue color with hand painted, over-sized and multi-color coral shapes; a light fixture fashioned from giant scallop shells hangs from the ceiling; black and white linens that depict a swarm of sea fan and sea anemones (or something) cover the bed; and a couple of histrionic, carved wood furniture pieces with shell motifs are set in front of the windows. The marble columns on either side of the settee might be overkill, but that sort of appears to be the point, right?

A fully-mirrored dressing room—a fun house-like chamber sure drive anyone with even an iota of negative body image issues into cataclysmic spasms of self loathing—was fitted with an unusual light fixture in the shape of a vintage hot air balloon. The children will note the shape echoes the silhouetted hot air balloons on the window shades in the main living spaces. Believe it or not, hunties, is a nice-gay or lady decorator hard at work.

It may look like chaos but there are, if you bother to look, decorative through lines that really do give the room the kind of rigor required of a well-done day-core. It may not be to your taste but that does not, children, mean it's not correct. We're sure we'll take a verbal bullet or two for saying that—and fair enough—but we'd much rather look at Miss Deyn's high camp flea market extravaganza than something safe, stodgy and country-club approved. But who cares what we think...

The ego-abusing dressing room connects the master bedroom to the melodramatic bathroom lined with a mixy-matchy cacophony of mirrors and a variety of marble and onyx tiles from around the world. The floor plan included with listing information from the time of the sale indicates there are two sinks, a semi-private crapper cubby, separate steam shower and a free-standing soaking tub carved from a solid piece of onyx and filled via a campy lion medallion mounted to the wall behind it. Does anyone else besides Your Mama find it both disturbing and amusing the tub looks like it was carved from a giant chub of fat-marbled bacon?

We thought the day-core had a certain Roman and Williams quality about it but one of the children tells us Miss Deyn's day-core was actually done (and done and done) by a fella named Ricky Clifton, a somewhat elusive figure with a courageously madcap sense of design who has worked over (or helped work over) the downtown Manhattan homes of art world luminaries like Stella Schnabel and John Currin and Rachel Feinstein.

Natch, we don't know a garden hose from a tractor trailer so we really can't say if Aggy's decision to sell her Brooklyn loft did (or did not) have anything to do with her recent City Hall wedding to L.A.-based actor Giovanni Ribisi who—celeb property watchers will recall—recently put the Los Angeles, CA home he shared with former lady-mate Chan Marshall—a.k.a. the musician Cat Power—on the open market for $989,000. The property is already in escrow and Mister Ribisi has already procured his next home, a gated mini compound with a 3,886 square foot private residence and art studio in the somewhat unlikely Atwater Village area of Los Angeles for which he shelled out $1,405,000.

listing photos and floor plan: Prudential Douglas Elliman

SELLER: Armistead Maupin
LOCATION: San Francisco, CA
PRICE: $1,198,000
SIZE: 1,606 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night—or rather very early this morning—Your Mama received a brief (but breathless) phone call from our boozed-fueled b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau up in San Francisco who slurred and shouted in our sleepy ear about the long-time residence of quintessentially San Francisco writer Armistead Maupin coming up for sale with an asking price of $1,198,000.

Mister Maupin and his younger man-friend-husband Chris Turner—a former holistic healer who founded (and sold) the homosex-oriented hook up site Daddy Hunt—revealed to the press some time ago they planned to decamp to the Native American pottery and turqwahze infested haven of Santa Fe (NM), so this particular real estate turn of events isn't such a big surprise for literary-minded real estate watchers like Your Mama and Fiona, who despite her wanton ways and stevedore vocabulary, is quite well read with deep and real roots in the San Francisco literary scene. Even though Mister Maupin is currently at work on a new book, the move, Mister Turner somewhat tongue in cheek told S.F. Gate writer Leah Garchik back in mid June the move to Santa Fe was precipitated by "Armistead's retirement and my mid-life crisis."

Through his internationally renown Tales of the City series Mister Maupin is most closely associated with the Barbary Coast area of San Francisco, where many of his iconic, soap story-like novels are set. That would be in and around the North Beach nabe. However, property records show Mister Maupin has owned this modestly sized (if hardly inexpensive) house in the upscale Parnassus Heights 'hood near the Haight Ashbury since 1993 when he shelled out $615,000 for the cozy cottage set privately and high above the street behind a thick screen of trees.

Current listing information ol' Fiona scared up out of the interweb shows the three story, cedar shingled Craftsman/Edwardian-style house, was originally built in 1906 and is currently configured with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in 1,606 square feet.

A gated and gluttially punishing brick stairway at the street level, next to the single car garage tucked into the verdant hillside, zig-zags up the steep slope to a tree-shaded view deck and front door that opens directly into the somewhat compact living room finished with inlaid hardwood floors, textured Anaglypta wall coverings, built-in book cases—natch—and a through the tree tops city view.

The adjoining dining room opens though sliding glass doors to a small, lushly planted back yard with a variety of flag stone and brick terraces plus a built-in barbecue. The unfortunately squeezy kitchen isn't going to win any design awards from Your Mama but it is outfitted, as per listing information, with "Corian type counters, stone floor and stainless clad appliances" that include a radiant and convection oven, whatever that is. A slender breakfast counter nestled into one end of the kitchen has direct views of the backyard.

One of the two second floor bedrooms—listing information calls it the master bedroom—has a built-in seating bench, custom shelving for books and knick-knacks, dual fitted closets, and "expansive" views that sweep over the city from Marin to the East Bay. The second floor master bedroom unfortunately shares a compact hall facility (with marble counter top) with a second, smaller bedroom with garden outlook.

A second master suite tucked up into the eaves on the third floor has an origami-like ceiling, over-sized closet, attached private bathroom, sweeping views and direct access to a roof terrace with garden and Sutro Tower views.

Mistes Maupin and Turner plan to pack up their Labradoodle and road trip across the country and loop back to attend Burning Man in late August before resettling in Santa Fe.

listing photos: Herth Real Estate

SELLER: Kevin Williamson
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,715,000
SIZE: 5,140 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After just four months and a starting asking price of $3,950,000, film and television writer/producer Kevin Williamson has unloaded his boxy, glass and white stucco contemporary crib in L.A.'s Hollywood Hills for $3,715,000.

Mister Williamson, best known as the screenwriter and (executive) producer of the wildly successful Scream film franchise as well as a number of money-minting television programs that include the long-ago canceled Dawson's Creek and currently on the air The Vampire Diaries, acquired the Hollywood Hills residence in December 2003 for $3,100,000

Property records indicated Mister Williamson sold his house to a single man with the exact same name as a professional basketball player who dribbles and shoots (and whatever) for the Indiana Pacers but we're not sure if that's really who bought the house or if it's just someone with an identical name. Stranger things have happened.

Listing information shows the two-story residence, situated on a quiet hillside road near the top of Runyon Canyon and composed of a series of interconnected planes and volumes, sits on a thickly treed .65 hillside acre lot, was originally built in 1990, measures 5,140 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms.

Wide slabs of concrete descend gently down a narrow strip of unnaturally green grass from the (un-gated) motor court with three-car garage and two-car carport to a locked and gated courtyard entrance. A sky lit entry steps down to the open-plan and bi-winged "formal" living areas with high-gloss wood floors (that look like but may or may not be mahogany), minimal architectural detailing, and wide expanses of windows and sliders that open to a terrace that floats over the canyon with sky-high city, canyon and mountain views.

The sky lit and expensive-looking center island kitchen comes off a little Arts and Crafts-y compared to the lacquered sheen of most of the rest of the residence but is well-equipped with some sort of solid surface counter top, cabinetry custom-fashioned from what appears to be some sort of nearly exotic wood, a walk-in pantry, and the full complement of high-grade stainless steel appliances including side-by-side fridge and freezer that all by themselves, we guesstimate, cost far more than the Yolanda the cleaning lady's Kia Rio.

A few steps down from the kitchen the family room has vast windows, a high ceiling, and an inset wide-screen tee-vee mounted above the massive, beveled fireplace. There's also a state-of-the-art screening room with an adjoining wet bar, a cozy library with fireplace flanked by open display shelves, built-in book cases with glass doors, and lofty ceilings.

The master suite offers a separate, private office with a wall of built-in bookshelves, a good-sized bedroom ringed on two sides with floor-to-ceiling windows and glass sliders that connect to a narrow terrace, a gigantic custom-fitted walk-in closet with center island dresser, and a large and luxurious yet perfectly ordinary-looking bathroom with double vanity, separate shower and jetted soaking tub, dressing area, and private cubby for the crapper.

Recreational amenities include a stone-floored and mirror-walled fitness room with sauna—if torturing one's body into physical submission can be considered a recreation—and a trapezoidal concrete sunbathing and dining terrace with sweeping mountain view over the canyon that falls away below the house. A swimming pool and spa bisects the terrace, a chunky ramada nestled into the tree line provides a respite from the relentless SoCal sunshine, and an interior poolside kitchenette with dishwasher is perfect for mixing up summertime pitchers of gin & tonic.

Other Showbiz types living up in the same twisted neck of the Hollywood Hills near the tippy-top of dog- and celeb-friendly Runyon Canyon include über-artist David Hockney, actress (and soon-to-be UCLA student) Justine Batemen (Desperate Housewives, Family Ties), Jay Leno's bandleader Rickey Minor (who bought Katey Sagal's house in late 2010), Oscar winning movie maker Quentin Tarantino, and Oscar-nominated actor Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain and the way better Donny Darko) who, as far as Your Mama knows, remains privately ensconced in the gated and  mini-estate around the corner he's leased for years.

Of course, Your Mama don't know a donut from a doughnut, so we can't be sure to where Mister Williamson decamped but we do find evidence in the property records he coughed up $2,400,000 in July 2011 for a walled and gated, 4,660 square foot mock-Med mini-mansion just off Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood, CA.

listing photos: Val Riolo for Coldwell Banker / Sunset Boulevard

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listing photos (above series): Westside Estate Agency

SELLER: David Schwimmer
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $8,650,000
SIZE: 11,336square feet, 9 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES (UPDATED 8/14/12): Late last year, after it was shopped around off-market for a little bit, Friends actor David Schwimmer listed his grandly-scaled house in Los Angeles's affluent Hancock Park 'hood with an asking price of $10,700,000. The price eventually dropped to $10,200,000.

In May we heard from someone in a position to know, let's call her Penny Pincher, who snitched to Your Mama that Mister Schwimmer's residence had been eyeballed by at least one big name celebrity and that we should expect the house to soon be sold for a good deal less than the last asking price. Low and behold property records reflect the mid-city estate was sold in late June 2012 for $8,865,000 to a generically-named blind trust that shields the identity of the buyer.

Naturally we did some asking around with some of our better informed informants in the cut-throat world of high-end real estate and it wasn't long before two separate sources identified the buyers of the deeply discounted Schwimmer estate as filmmaker (and Tinseltown scion) Eric Eisner—his papa is none other than Hollywood power player Michael Eisner—and fashion designer Stacey Bendet Eisner, founder of the lighthearted, uptown-girl-goes-downtown Alice + Olivia label. However, it should be noted a representative of Missus Bendet Eisner contacted Your Mama to let us know that our informants were dead wrong. Well, she didn't say it like that, she was far to professional to say that but that's, in effect, what she said but in a much more friendly fashion.

Listing information from the time of the sale shows Mister Schwimmer's hulking, 11,000-plus square foot main mansion has 9 bedrooms and six bathrooms (plus a pair of powder poopers), five fireplaces, and a state-of-the-art screening room. Additional, loft-like living space with living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom—perfect for guests, live-in domestic(s) and/or irritating house guests—sits atop a detached three-car garage.

The meticulously groomed 1.02-acre grounds—walled, gated and well-screened for celebrity-style security and privacy, natch—encompasses a rear motor court, flat lawns, parterre garden or two thick tropical landscaping, resort-style swimming pool and spa, and a properly-aligned (north-south) tennis court with viewing pavilion.

Some of the high profile peeps who own homes in the immediate vicinity include Jason Alexander; (Seinfeld); Sean Hayes (Will & Grace), who unsuccessfully attempted to sell his manse in 2008 with an asking price of $8,950,000; writer/producer Shonda Rimes (Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice) who bought her fully-updated and upgraded mansion for $5,600,000 in March 2010 from indie music superstar Beck; and sitcom superstar Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond, The Middle) who, Your Mama hears through the celebrity property gossip grapevine, will allow her estate to be shown with a $12,000,000 (or so) price tag through one of Hancock Park's most successful Real Estates. Just more celebrity real estate rumor and gossip.

We queried our exceedingly smart Fairy Godmother in Bel Air on the matter and although she was entirely unaware of the Eisner's (alleged and denied) acquisition of the Schwimmer estate in Hancock Park she was quite certain a home the Eisner's own in the Bird Streets area above the Sunset Strip is currently on the market with a (greatly reduced) asking price of $3,495,000. Now, we ask that y'all use yer noggins: Ownership of residence is obscured behind a generically named trust so Your Mama can't say for certain the house in question (below) is owned by Mister and Missus Eisner. However, it's worth nothing, Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air is not, nor has she ever been, in the habit of providing Your Mama with inaccurate real estate information.

listing photos (above series): Sotheby's International Realty

Anyhoo, current listing information we perused shows the recently renovated contemporary-Spanish residence was built in 1970 and last purchased in April 2000 for $1,575,000. There are 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in the single-story residence that angles around a flat backyard with flagstone terraces, built-in barbecue station, swimming pool and elevated spa. The bedroom wing also opens up to deep terraces nestled between the house and the thickly-planted property perimeter.

The day-core is dizzyingly vibrant with hard punches and electric pops of primary colors and a willy-nilly layering of textures and eye-spinning patterns. The guest bathroom with the floral wall covering and black and white tile flooring definitely makes a bold, exuberantly graphic and maybe even garish decorative statement but it's so vexingly insane we can hardly bear to turn away. We'll probably take a bullet or two from the children for saying so but Your Mama finds it unusually refreshing and commendable for someone really go at it with such a fearless and joyful abandonment of the sometimes strict confines of decorative "appropriateness," even if the result can be a more than a little chaotic and, at moments, questionable.

As it turns out, this isn't the only house in Los Angeles (allegedly) connected to Stacy Bendet Eisner that's currently on the market. As has been reported here, there and everywhere including by the kids at Curbed both recently and in years past, Missus Eisner and quirky musician Moby co-own a quintessentially L.A., 1926 Hollywood Regency-style residence above the Sunset Strip designed by the late-great John Elgin Woolf and previously owned by high-sterical, high-camp comedian Paul Lynde.

listing photos (above series): Sotheby's International Realty

Online resources show the funny house was last purchased in February 2008 for $2,950,000 and about a year later the high-glam pad popped up on the rental market at $15,000 per month. Missus Bendet Eisner and Mister Moby first and unsuccessfully attempted to sell it in June 2010 with a $3,495,000 price tag. Since then it's been de- and re-listed a few times and showed back up on the open sales market with a higher asking price of $3,695,000. Our friend and informant Lucy Spillerguts tells us the house is or was recently leased (for an unknown amount) to a trendy, high-end sneaker-shoe designer. We don't ask how she knows these things, she just does.

Current listing information shows the two-and-some story villa measures 3,700 square feet with a total of 3 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, a count that may or may not take into account the separate guest house located at the bottom of the steeply pitched hillside property where there's also a nearly secret, gated back entrance and a detached two-car garage.

Inside the decadent main living spaces have both black and white checkerboard marble or Parquet de Versailles style wood floors under foot and 12 foot ceilings over and towering windows with canyon and city views. The ceiling of the dining room has an appetite-suppressing, gridded and mirrored ceiling along with a petite table for four that looks like it came through the looking glass. The eat-in kitchen is comparatively blank with its white, raised-panel cabinetry, white and grey-veined Carrara marble counter tops and back splashes, and usual complement of high-grade stainless steel appliances.

At least two of the bedrooms in the main house are master suite worthy with bleached (or pickled or otherwise whitened) hardwood floors, pretty canyon and city views and bathrooms that feel a bit beige and Beijing 4-star hotel suite sleek for the clunky, colorful and haphazardly elegant house.

The nearly all white interiors act as a gleaming canvas for courageous and invigorating (if dizzying) finishes and day-core that include striped wall coverings, garish artworks, a pair of cheap-looking Louis the something (or something) reworked in monochromatic blood red, and a silvery rococo mirror propped drunkenly in front of an exterior door in the kitchen, It's colorful and rebellious and not at all correct but it's way more amusing and provocative to look at than perfectly pristine and mannered sorts of decor that typically falls within the range of "good taste," whatever that is.

There's a mouth-watering slew of listing photos here and here.

Since we've meandered so far astray already, let's cover all the real estate bases in regards to the parties involved in today's roundabout real estate story.

Moby, who maintains one of the the most charming and intimate blogs about Los Angeles real estate, paid nearly $4 million in March 2010 to buy Wolf's Lair, a castle-like compound perched proudly atop a perfectly private ridge with panoramic views over Beachwood Canyon and Lake Hollywood. He bought the place from now broken up music executive Jay Faires and television hostess/correspondent Debbie Matenopoulos who originally wanted $7,500,000 for the quirky lair.

The New York Times reported last year Moby spent another two or so million on an extensive restoration and renovation of the idiosyncratic aerie that includes a main house, pool/guest house, an incongruous but thrilling John Lautner-designed guest house and, tucked deep into the towering stone ramparts, a secret tiki-bar lounge Moby plans to turn in to an invite-only magic den (to which we can assure the children Your Mama will not be invited).

SELLER: Rob and Sheryl Lowe
BUYER: William P. "Bill" Foley II
LOCATION: Carpinteria, CA
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 2,082 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama has told the children once, we've told them a hundred and 87 times: The real estate lives of the rich and/or famous are decidedly different than that of less financially fortunate folks.

Not only does always-working actor and former Brat Packer Rob Lowe (Parks and Recreation, Brothers& Sisters, The West Wing) own a substantial estate with a 14,000-plus square foot mansion in Montecito, CA with  distant, over-the-tree-tops ocean views, until last September (2011) he and the Missus also owned an ocean side getaway just 6.5 miles away in Carpinteria, CA that they quietly sold for $5,900,000 to title insurance tycoon William P. "Bill" Foley II.

Property records—and the Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial—indicate Mister and Missus Lowe scooped up their modestly-sized but still quite pricey Carpinteria beach house in June 2004 for $5,050,000. They quickly filed permits for a small, 120-square foot addition (we're not sure if that was approved or not) and soon became embroiled in a legal tangle with an octogenarian neighbor over a hedge the Lowes thought had been trimmed too low and as such compromised the overall "privacy and ambiance" of their postage stamp-sized beach-side backyard. Unfortunately, we're not really sure how that matter got resolved either.

Your Mama is also not sure exactly when Mister and Missus Lowe first put their beach front getaway on the (open) market but we managed to dig up clear evidence on the interweb the house was priced well over $7 million. We also found online evidence that Mister and Missus Lowe looked to lease the property as recently as 2011 with an asking price of $20,000 per month.

Online documentation we dug up shows the very narrow lot spans just .11 acres and listing information from the time of the September 2011 sale show the two-story house has three bedrooms and three bathrooms in 2,082 square feet of (remodeled) interior space, most of which appears to be done up in a uniform brown, black and white color palette that's certainly beach-y but a little to cohesive and colorless for our particular beach house taste.

The open-plan, main floor living spaces include a tiny but expensively equipped kitchen, dining area with built-in bench seating and semi-opaque diamond-paned windows and, at the ocean end, a compact living area with flush-mounted flat-scree tee-vee over the white brick fireplace that's flanked by tall and slender, arched wood storage bins that extend almost to the ceiling.

A corner window (with custom-fitted sectional sofa) and glass door in the living area provide glimmering ocean views and lead out to an ocean side brick terrace and deck separated from the actual beach and shore line by a rock revetment presumably installed in order to manage any erosion issues that may (or may not be) a factor that that particular stretch of sand.

A squeezy den at the front of the house on the main floor has a second (river rock) corner fireplace and there's a third (corner) fireplace in the ocean side master bedroom that opens out to a covered veranda with expansive, over-the-rock-revetment breakwater views.

As far as we know, the Lowe family remains ensconced in the Don Nulty-designed and completely Feng-Shui-ed 20-room Georgian-style pile in Montecito tucked away on more than 4 groomed acres they custom built four or five years ago and had photographed for the November 2010 issue of Architectural Digest.

Previous to their current crib the Lowe clan hunkered down in a somewhat smaller 6 bedroom and 5 bathroom house sold in May 2009, as per property records, for $7,600,000 to ex-retail executive Elliot Mayrock and his former publishing executive wife Alecia Mayrock. Before that they owned yet another luxury estate in Montecito, a 5.5+ acre spread with an 11,170 square foot residence sold in April 2005 and now owned, it appears to Your Mama based on property records we peeped, by San Francisco-based billionaire Peter V. Sperling.

If Mister and Missus Lowe own any additional properties—and it's certainly possible they maintain any number of additional homes—we're not aware of it and a cursory bit of research on our trusty lap top computer didn't turn up any readily available evidence of such. Make of that what you will.

BONUS: Last spring (2011) Mister Lowe gave his Montecito neighbor Oprah Winfrey televised tours of both his Montecito mansion and his (now former) beach house in Carpinteria, which he stated is just 18 feet wide.

listing photos: Coastal Properties