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SELLER: Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld
LOCATION: Telluride, CO
PRICE: $18,250,000
SIZE: 14,200 square feet, 11 bedrooms, 11 full and 3 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone and everyone who has any knowledge of the New York City celebrity real estate scene knows that comedian, one-time sitcom star and syndication residuals bajillionaire Jerry Seinfeld, his wife Jessica and their three children live in a duplex apartment once owned by virtuoso violinist Isaac Stern at the fab and iconic Beresford building on Central Park West.

Many also know that Mister Seinfeld also owns a private garage/shop around the corner from the Beresford where the Porsche-collecting comedian keeps and maintains a rotating selection his well-regarded and valuable collection.

Those with real estate interests in the Hamptons also know that in May 2000 Mister Seinfeld shelled out $25,600,000 in two separate transactions–$16,000,000 and $9,600,000 respectively according to property records–to acquire the 8.47 acre ocean front spread in East Hampton, NY of notoriously peripatetic musician Billy Joel. Mister and Misssus Seinfeld went on to spend millions more on a full-scale renovation of the massive main house, the re-construction of a second house (that has its own pool) and the addition of a private baseball diamond at the front of the property near the entry gates.

As it turns out, Mister and Missus Seinfeld own a number of other properties that Your Mama was not previously aware. Based on a rudimentary and unscientific stroll through the property records we discovered that in April 2005 they spent $3,950,000 for a townhouse style building with five or more apartments West 82nd Street. In September 2007, Mister Seinfeld paid an extraordinary $4,454,000 for a warehouse building in Los Angeles near the Santa Monica airport. Presumably he stashes a portion of his Porsche collection here but, in all honesty, we have no idea what he does with the building.

In January of this year (2011), Missus Seinfeld purchased in her own name a 2,366 square foot ranch house in her hometown of Burlington, VT. Property records show the 4 bedroom and 2 bathroom residence, with over 100 feet of sandy beach on Lake Champlain's Appletree Bay, was purchased without a mortgage for $1,050,000.

Mister and Misuss Seinfeld also own a secluded and scenically located 26.84-acre estate in Telluride, CO that, we learned from a kind citizen we'll call Ruby Tuesday, they recently hoisted on to the market with an asking price of $18,250,000. The price includes the no-doubt quite pricey but, for the most part, not particularly inspired furnishings.

Mister and Missus Seinfeld actually own two adjacent properties in Telluride according to the San Miguel County Tax Man. The first was acquired in June 2007 for $7,550,000 and the second the following April for $2,300,000.

Listing information describes the property as "family compound" comprised of "an evolving series of Western ranch structures" that has recently had a "multi-million dollar expansion and upgrade." Altogether there are, according to the listing, 11 bedrooms and 11 full and 3 half bathrooms in the multi-winged main house and its attendant outbuildings.

The interior spaces includes double-height living room with monolithic stone fireplace, hardwood floors, soaring wood ceiling, an entire wall of windows that open to an entertainment terrace and a lot of kick up your feet beige slip-covered furnishings. Even cozier quarters can be found in a library that features a vaulted ceiling, built-in bookshelves, comfy buff-colored leather club chairs, and the walls and ceiling are covered in woodsy but modern horizontal wood paneling.

Heavy wood beams criss-cross the ceiling in the well-equipped and sky-lit country kitchen that includes wide plank reclaimed wood floors, a large work island, butcher block counter tops, high-grade commercial-style appliances, and multiple eating areas from a snack counter to a built-in banquette.

Bedrooms and bathrooms featured in listing photos show they're infused with a simple but luxurious country house charm–nice ordinary and definitely but not our specific cup of decorative tea–that includes wide plank reclaimed wood floors, more horizontal wood paneling that's been whitewashed in at least two of the poopers, delicate pastel wall coverings and gingham fabric accents in the children's rooms

Well-heeled nature lovers who prefer not to get too natural about things will appreciate the system of manicured trails the wind around the property and through the thick stands of aspen and spruce trees to a creek.

Who knows why Mister and Missus Seinfeld might spend millions to re-do only to put the property up for sale, but such are the capricious real estate ways of the rich and famous.

It was recently reported here, there and everywhere that Mister and Missus Seinfeld–longtime residents of the Upper West Side, were spotted peeping as high-priced townhouses on the more high-nosed Upper East Side.

listing photos: Peak's Real Estate / Sotheby's International Realty

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SELLER: Robert DeNiro / Diahne Abbott
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $14,000,000
SIZE: 4,158 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Your Mama received a covert communique from an informant we call The Rolling Stone who told us about a New York City townhouse long owned by iconic actor Robert DeNiro had arrived on the market with an asking price of $14,000,000. Not surprisingly, the fine folks at The Real Deal beat us to this celebrity real estate punch.

Listing information states this is the "first time in over 30 years" that the 4-floor (plus basement) townhouse has been on the market. Property records reveal that it has actually been almost 36 years since Mister DeNiro acquired the townhouse in October of 1975 for–are y'all sitting down for this–$190,000. No, bunnies, we did not leave out a zero, Mister DeNiro actually paid, according to property records, $190,000 for the the house that's now listed at almost 75 times that amount.

As best as we can tell from the property records the house is owned by Mister DeNiro but occupied by his first wife Diahnne Abbott, the proud momma of New York City über-agent Raphel DeNiro who–natch–holds the listing the pretty West Village pad that overlooks James J. Walker Park where a scene of Raging Bull was shot and where young children scream with delight all day every day as they clamor around on the jungle gyms and swing sets. The New York City Tax Man shows the house measures 4,158 square feet and current listing information shows it's an impressive 22-feet wide, has voluminous 12-foot ceilings on the parlor floor and includes 5 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms.

The Real Deal notes the brick-built house sits just a few doors down from the Huxtable's house on The Cosby Show and a few more doors down from the house where Audrey Hepburn's character lived in Wait Until Dark.

Once upon a time, Your Mama presumes, the main entry was up a stoop on the parlor floor but floor plans included with listing information show that the main entrance is now on the garden level where there is a den/office/bedroom with private pooper and a 32-foot long eat-in kitchen that opens out to a "secluded private garden." The finished basement level has oodles of storage and a room at the back that looks like it might be used as a fitness room with adjoining sauna and stall shower.

The parlor floor has a somewhat awkward but not unworkable plan that consists of a tight but elegant stair hall that leads to a small library/chamber and larger living room with fireplace and a trio of windows that looks down into the rear gardens. A short hall with powder pooper and a pair of coat closets connects the library/chamber to the impractically located dining room.

The master suite occupies the entire third floor and is comprised of large bedroom, substantial private terrace and a bathroom larger than at least two of the townhouse's other bedrooms. An additional room on the third floor–marked as a bedroom on the floor plan–would make an ideal dressing room and Your Mama would be shocked if it were not being used as such by the current resident.

Two large bedrooms and and two tiny bedrooms on the top floor share a single compartmentalized bathroom. Iffin this were our house–and it will never be our house–we'd convert each of the two tiny bedrooms on the fourth floor into fitted dressing rooms for the two larger bedrooms. A discrete door opens into a claustrophobic closet-sized space where a spiral stair winds up to the roof.

In addition to the West Village townhouse, Mister DeNiro's property portfolio also includes an ocean front residence in Montauk, NY, on the same stretch of precious sand as fashion tycoon Ralph Lauren, publishing poobah Jann Wenner, and real estate magnate Steve Roth who in 2008 famously paid $9,400,000 to acquire the beach front house of fallen (an imprisoned) financier Bernie Madoff.

In October 2006 Mister DeNiro and his second wife Grace Hightower paid $20,090,000 to acquire a spectacular 15 room duplex at The Brentwood on Central Park West that they bought from Miramax mogul Harvey Weinstein's ex-wife Eve. Listing information from the time of the purchase shows the low-floor duplex had 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms and living room that converted to a state-0f-the-art 35mm screening room.

NOTE: The above photograph shows an out of control vine of some sort cleaving to the front façade. The image is from, according to the Property Shark website, 2005. The choking vine has since been removed as per the single tiny photograph of the exterior presented with the online listing.

photo: Kate Lenova / Property Shark
floor plan: Prudential Douglas Elliman Real Estate

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SELLER: Irving and Shelli Azoff
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $13,750,000
SIZE: 3,552 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen, babies, Your Mama has got things to do, places to go and people to meet today so we're going to try as we might to be uncharacteristically brisk in our discussion of a mostly brown and beige contemporary crib on Carbon Beach, the most expensive stretch of sand in all of Malibu (CA). The house, listed for more than three months now with an asking price of $13,750,000, is owned by music industry maharajah Irving Azoff and his wife Shelli.

Mister Azoff made his name as the personal manager of major musicians and made his many millions from the ten (or whatever) percent he shaved off the earnings of his long list of successful clients who include (or once included) Christina Aguilera, Journey, Jewel, Josh Groban, Guns N' Roses, Van Halen, and New Edition. Mister Azoff used his substantial music biz income to amass a substantial real estate portfolio.

In May 2004 Mister and Missus Azoff dropped a very a-list $8,309,500 for a well-located seaside residence on Carbon Beach, often called "Billionaire's Beach" due to the high number of billionaires who own homes along the beach. Records show the house was purchased from Beverly Hills property pasha and Tea Party supporter Emerson Glazer.

Listing information shows Mister and Missus Azoff's two-story house measures 3,552 square feet and includes four family bedrooms plus a staff room and a total of five bathrooms. Like many houses, that Azoff residence turns a cold and nearly windowless shoulder to busy-busy Pacific Coast Highway. Beyond the copper entry gate a courtyard planted with tropical foliage and outfitted with a fountain to muddle the near-constant traffic noise leads to the front door. The slate material in the outside courtyard runs right into the main living area of the house, an expansive space that stretches the full width of the house.

A wall of sliding doors do not, unfortunately, reach quite all the way from the floor to the ceiling, but do allow the various areas of the main living space to have wide access to the ocean view. The large but–despite the view–not very airy room is divided into utility quadrants that include a lounge area with fireplace and a pair of white roll-armed slip-covered sofas, a dining area, billiard corner and a semi-circular built-in wet bar that while ass-uglee still delights a booze hound like Your Mama

Just behind and open to the dining area through a breakfast counter pass through, a center island kitchen with chestnut-colored Shaker-style cabinetry, granite counter tops and commercial-grade stainless steel appliances that include a $15,000 Sub-Zero fridge-freezer with glass door.

Of the four family bedrooms only the over-sized master has an ocean view. The long room, built out like a luxury stateroom of an ocean liner, has wood floors, curvilinear built-in cabinetry and a sitting area with fireplace and sliding glass doors that open to an ocean side terrace. The bed sits atop a platform under a large skylight for bed time star gazing and the adjoining bathroom is bathed in white-veined black (or maybe it's green) marble. The shower and over-sized soaking tub, in a greenhouse-like space with direct ocean view, are separated from the rest of the facility by a giant circular glass-filled doorway with etched detailing that depicts seaweed or some other bottom of the sea sort of plant material. This was clearly the architect and/or designer's "big idea" for the pooper but–sorry Charlies–it's just so damned hokey, clunky and contrived that we are left clutching our pearls with breathless flabbergast.

Anyhoo, besides the entry courtyard and the terrace off the second floor master bedroom, outdoor space is limited to a deck with glass railing that runs the full width of the main floor. Like the use-divided living area inside the deck too is divvied up into useful zones that include a barbecue corner, lounging area, sunbathing space and a small sunken spa. A larger beach-side backyard would be lovely but, really, who needs a big private yard for the long-bodied bitches when you can just let them skedaddle around on the sand whenever they need to exercise or do their booty business? Booty business that always–and we mean each and every time–gets picked up. We don't understand all these rude people with canine pets who don't have the decency to slip a goddam plastic bag over their hand and scoop the poop. It's just basic citizenship, a good-neighbor no-brainer, and anyone who doesn't do it is a fucking asshole as far as Your Mama is concerned. But, we digress.

Mister and Missus Azoff's beach house sits just a few doors away from the pristine Carbon Beach compound of billionaire David Geffen who is by law forced to maintain a public access way from the PCH to the sand even though he and many other residents of exclusive seaside enclave would like to ban the non-resident riffraff from walking on and–even worse–sitting down in the sand in front of their multi-million dollar beach homes. Other Carbon Beach property owners who may or may not have an opinion about pubic access to the water include Jerry Bruckheimer, Terry Semel, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Larry Ellison, Peter Morton, Eli Broad, Haim Saban, and Paul Allen.

Frank and Jamie McCourt–the very publicly dueling divorcees who have waged a fierce and bitter battle with each other over ownership of and income from the Dodgers–paid $27,250,000 for Courtney Cox's John Lautner-designed masterpiece on Carbon Beach in 2007 and then proceeded baller-style to snatch up the wee house next door for a staggering $19,000,000. They needed, it seems, some place to stash over flow guests and to build a lap-lane swimming pool for the Missus who was discontent with the existing swimming pool at the Lautner house, more appropriately sized for plunging than exercising.

As it turns out, their Carbon Beach crib is not the only piece of real estate pie Mister and Missus Azoff own in Malibu. Property records show that since the late 1990s Mister Azoff has owned an a 12-plus acre spread just up the hill from the once tawdry now trendy (and shocking expensive) Paradise Cove trailer park.

A peep and poke around the property records reveal that in addition to their Malibu holdings, Mister and Missus Azoff own at least three residences in Beverly Hills including their primary pad, a 1.85 acre estate bought in late 1985 for $6,320,000. The 12,609 square foot multi-winged Tudor style pile was built in 1932 and the L.A. County Tax Man shows it contains 7 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms. It is also where, some of the children may recall, Mister and Missus Azoff hosted the 2009 nuptials of reality television regular Khloe Kardashian and professional basketball player Lamar Odom. The Azoffs also own, as per prop records, a smaller adjacent property probably used for guests, family, staff or offices.

A further search through the interweb reveals that Mister Azoff also owns large amounts of land and property in the Texas towns of Linden and Karnak, at least one house near celebrity-stocked Aspen, CO including a six-acre spread in Snowmass, and a colossal newly constructed mansion behind the gates of the uppity Madison Club in the Coachella Valley desert community of La Quinta, CA. The 1,52 acre golf-course fronting estate includes a multi-armed mansion that according to the Riverside County Tax Man encompasses 17,384 square feet of living space with 11 terlits and garage parking for up to six luxury cars.

listing photos: Westside Estate Agency

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SELLER: Persia White
LOCATION: Studio City, CA
PRICE: $1,529,000
SIZE: 4,200 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the weekend between racing around to family parties and building a chicken wire contraption to keep the damn raccoons from snatching the fruit off my tomato plants in the middle of the night Your Mama took some time to peruse the Los Angeles area real estate listings. In truth, we didn't come up with much but we did turn up a property in the hills above Studio City listed for $1,549,000 and owned by actress/musician/artist Persia White.

From 2000 to 2008 Miz White starred on the boob-toob series Girlfriends with Golden Brooks and Tracee Ellis Ross, the daughter of Miss Diana Ross, thank you very much. Although she hasn't worked much since her gal pal program was canceled, she does, as per her resume on the Internet Movie Data Base, have a few movie projects underway and in the hopper. In addition to her ack-ting Miz White, a staunch and vocal advocate for environmental, human and animal rights, also makes music–she released a solo album in 2010 called Mecca–and paints emotionally charged images that often depict women curled up in the fetal position, bent over backward, or in otherwise taut state of heartbreak and/or longing.

Property records show girlfriend for Girlfriends–married a time or two and the mommy of one–acquired her two-story hillside house in June 2004 for $1,135,000. Built in 1990, the contemporary cottage encompasses 4,200 square feet with 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms and nearly unobstructed views of the surrounding mountains during the day and glittery lights of San Fernando Valley at night.

At first glance the tile-roofed residence looks a little (too much) like Grandma's house for Your Mama's particular and persnickety taste in real estate. It ain't easy for us to get past the unnecessarily horrific white wrought iron fence of uneven heights that runs along the front of the property. When we do mange to squeeze our eyes past the ugly fencing, a closer inspection reveals an attempt to present a more modern edge on the front facade that's dominated by the odd coupling of a red Spanish tile roof and a smoked glass and aluminum garage doors.

An entry deck connects the driveway to the commercial-style smoked glass and aluminum front door, shaded by the overhang of a deep eave and roof projection with very post-modern circular detail that may or may not be a window (we're not sure). In order to get that sentence right, puppies, y'all must roll your eyes with self-righteous architectural disdain when you read the words "post-modern circular detail."

Anyhoo, the interior spaces of Miz White's domicile have been stripped down to an Armani Casa-like simplicity with prominently grained ebonized wood floors, large planes of gallery white walls and divisions between some rooms obliterated by opening up doorways to the full height of the ceiling. A chunky double-sided fireplace with veined black marble surrounds and hearths divides the living and dining rooms. Both room have extra-side wood-framed glass doors that slide open to a narrow wrap around deck with oblique view to the distant mountains at the northern end of the San Fernando Valley. A built-in wet-bar in the dining room should elate all the booze hounds like Your Mama who, rather than join the congregation of party guests in the kitchen looking for a snippet of sausage or hummus, gravitate towards to liquor cabinet for three fingers of gin.

The galley style kitchen has taupe-gray tile floors, traditional black raised panel cabinets somewhat successfully zhushed up with black paint, black and brown flecked granite counter tops and medium-grade stainless steel appliances. This is not what Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter with fifty grand to spend on a kitchen re-d0 but it ain't awful. It's certainly better than a faux-Tuscan extravaganza with a gigantic pot rack that drips with fake grapes, Chianti bottles and coppeer pots. For what it's worth–and it's not worth a goddam thing–we the kitchen day-core might be vastly improved by simply swapping the snooze of a rug shown in listing photo with some sort of antique Turkish kilim rug.

The master suite includes a good-sized bedroom with fireplace with granite surround, wood floors, two sets of French doors that lead to a private view deck, and two custom-fitted walk in closets, one with glass fronted shoe cabinets for displaying the Brian Atwoods and Jimmy Choos. The large but lackluster attached crapper has a lot of beige tile work, two sinks, separate shower and jetted tub and a wide-window with tree-top view.

A short stair connects a small lower level deck along the back of the house to an entertainment and lounging deck built around a narrow tree trunk. Additional features that a potential buyer might find enticing include a non-toxic paint on the walls, a finished 3-car attached garage with additional storage space, video surveillance security system, two-zone heating and cooling systems, water purification system, and an unfinished storage area that listing information suggests would make an ideal studio, gym or media room.

listing photos: Re/Max Execs

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SELLER: Anna Kournikova
LOCATION: Miami Beach, CA
PRICE: $9,400,000
SIZE: 6,630 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anna Kournikova, a robust Russian beauty with a thick and silky mane of flaxen hair, was once a top tennis player on the world circuit. She had better luck on the doubles court–she took two grand slam titles with mouthy Martina Hingis–than she did on the singles court where for a brief moment in 2000 she reached the number 8 slot on rankings board. Ultimately it was not tennis but her healthy good looks and athletically curvy chassis that catapulted comely Miss Kournikova to swimsuit model fame and fortune. She became and remains of the most searched athletes on the interweb and has many times been named to various (men's) magazine's hottest and sexiest lists. Most recently she replaced Jillian Michaels as the trainer on The Biggest Loser, a professional move we never would have predicted.

Miss Kournikova, a wily minx if there ever was one, is perhaps best known in Gossipland as a master of obfuscation as regards to her romantic life. In the late 1990s it was reported the 18-year old tennis beauty was engaged to 28-year old Russian ice hockey pro Pavel Bure. Both Bure and Kournikova deny they were ever engaged.

Shortly after busting up with Bure, Kournikova hooked up with Sergei Fedorov, another Russian professional ice hockey hunk. He says they were married in 2001 and divorced in 2003. She says they never officially hitched their wagons. Your Mama hasn't any idea whatsoever if Miss Kournikova and Mister Fedorov were ever married in the eyes of God and government but we do know that together they held title to at least one Miami, FL area property. More on that later.

In late 2001, at the height of her white hot success Miss Kournikova got with suave and sexy pop star Enrique Iglesias. Anyone familiar with a calendar can see this would have been when–according to Sergei Federov–she was married to Sergei Federov. Make of those dates what you will. Several times over the years multiple rumors and reports surfaced that the couple were engaged. In 2007 Mister Iglesias told the press he and Lady K had broken up. She–no surprisingly–denied they split up. The following year the crooner claimed he'd married the tennis pro turned hottie model in 2007 but that they were (then) separated. In 2010 Miss Kournikova told British talks show hostess Graham Norton that she and Mister Iglesias had been coupled more than 10 years but had no plans to marry and as recently as late May 2011, the pair were photographed scooting around on a boat in Miami.

Are they married? Not married? Gawd, who cares? It's just exhausting. Personally, we think all the efforts of celebrities and other public figures to perplex the press and public only intensifies fans' interest in the intimate details of their personal lives. But then again, what do we know?

Anyhoo, property records show that Miss Kournikova acquired her water front residence in Miami Beach, FL in July 2000 for $5,000,000. She would have just turned 20 years old at the time. The purchase of her mansion in Miami Beach, now on the market with an asking price of $9,400,000, was not, it seems, her first time getting on the bronco at the real estate rodeo.

As might be expected given Miss Kournikova's penchant for surrounding her public image with confusion, property records for a certain Miami Beach penthouse are tangled. The Miami-Dade Tax Man shows that in October of 1997 Sergei Fedorov paid $2,275,000 for a penthouse pad at the luxe and amenity-laden Portofino Tower condo complex at the southern tip of South Beach. Title records we looked at show that in May 1999–long before Miss Kournikova was reported to be hooking up with (or perhaps married to) Mister Fedorov–he transferred the 5,680 square foot penthouse into her name for just $100. Something about that seems erroneous and/or fishy but that's what the docs show. In August of 2003 Mister Fedorov, according to the documents we peeped, paid Miss Kournikova $1,625,000 to assume sole ownership of the 4 bedroom and 6 bathroom penthouse. Records indicate the penthouse remains in Mister Fedorov's property portfolio. Confused? We are too.

Whatever what the deed and title situation with the penthouse at the Portofino Tower and whatever the current living situation of Mister Iglesias and Misss Kournikova, it's clear that the racket swinger has after nearly six years of ownership decided to dump her Miami Beach mansion in a gated island enclave in the Biscayne Bay and recently heaved it on the market with a $9,400,000 asking price.

Listing information shows Miss Kournikova's ivy-covered Mediterranean style mini-compound includes a 6,630 square foot two story main house that wraps around a central courtyard, a two-story guest house atop a poolside cabana and additional living quarters–perfect for staff or office–above the two car garage with kitchenette and private pooper. The property, walled and gated for security and privacy, includes a total of 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms according to listing information.

An arched wood, glass and wrought iron door opens from the motor court into an interior courtyard ringed by a loggia with a gurgling fountain. A proper grand entry with sweeping staircase leads into the mansion's main rooms that feature soaring ceilings with exposed beams and trusses, marble floors, fireplaces, wood-framed French doors and carved wood architectural details.

The well-equipped but not particularly special eat-in kitchen has white, antiqued raised panel cabinetry with glass-fronted uppers, an L-shaped island, light-colored granite counter tops and breakfast bar, and commercial grade stainless steel appliances including two side-by-side fridge/freezers. Wood-framed French doors connect the adjacent dining area to the backyard and outdoor entertaining areas.

Upstairs the waterside master suite has wood floors, a wood ceiling, and a trio of wood-framed French doors that give way to a narrow planted terrace that hangs over the backyard and looks out beyond to the shimmery bay. The attached bathroom has double sinks set into a carved wood wood commode (which we hope is antique is probably not), a barrel-vaulted ceiling, stone-tiled walls, separate shower with rain head and a jetted tub with bay view.

Although packed tightly onto the wedge-shaped lot the property boasts considerable outdoor and entertainment areas including a generous motor court, center courtyard entrance, a swimming pool and spa surrounded by coral rock terrace which in turn is surrounded on two side by flat lawns and towering palm trees, an outdoor living/dining area with built-in barbecue and a private dock for parking the water craft. A tall row of high-hedges along the water font keep any potential looky-loos from peeping in on Miss Kournikova (and Mister Iglesias) as they lounge poolside, grill up hot dogs or tinker in the garden.

One wonders if Miss Kournikova's new gig on The Biggest Loser will draw her to the left coast even though Miami is and has always been the home base of her long-time man-friend (and possible husband) Mister Iglesias. We haven't heard a word about Miss Kournikova hunting for a house in Tinseltown–we really hear so little about these things–that for all we know she's already settled into gated mansion in Pacific Palisades or one of the other uppity zip codes on the West Side. Stranger things have happened, candy bars.

Listing photos: Coldwell Banker Previews International

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SELLER: Miles Copeland III
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE:$4,950,000
SIZE: 7,486 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before there was The Selby–if y'all don't know it, you should–there was Nest. From 1997 until 2004 the remarkable and sadly shuttered quarterly shelter publication Nest lovingly presented extraordinary public and private spaces that flouted any and all traditional notions and confines of good decorative taste.

The high-concept publication, conceived and orchestrated by the wildly creative Joseph Holtzman, promoted and celebrated idiosyncratic, eccentric and often perplexing environments rather than the picture perfect rooms typically presented in design and day-core publications. Unlike the pretty and "correct" but too-often sterile spaces seen in most high-end shelter publications, the homes and spaces presented in vividly lush layouts in Nest were not always easy to look at but they were provocative and provided a deep, fascinating and raw look into the inner lives of the home's occupants.

Nest was definitely not for the strict classicist or decoratively feint of heart; This was not the sort of magazine that breezily offered suggestions about how readers could cheaply emulate the expensive and quote-unquote good design depicted on the glossy house-porn-filled pages of most design rags. Rather, Mister Holtzman and his band of merry interns sanctioned the somehow little encouraged notion that folks ought to follow their personal vision of decorative bliss even if it means covering the walls, ceiling and floor of a guest bedroom entirely in electrical tape or hanging a Christmas light festooned ficus trees upside down over the dining room as an organic make-shift chandelier.

If Todd Selby hasn't yet photographed the Los Angeles, CA residence of legendary music mogul and artist manager Miles Copeland III for The Selby then Your Mama thinks he ought to get on his broomstick and hightail out from N.Y.C. to document the quirky (and janky) Hollywood Hills crib that Mister Copeland just put on the market with an asking price of $4,950,000.

Mister Copeland–the son of two intelligence officers and the brother of both noted music promoter Ian Copeland and The Police's Stewart Copeland–nursed and promoted the careers of various New Wave and rock bands including The Go-Go's, Wall of Voodoo, Squeeze, Camper Van Beetoven, Oingo Boingo, Gary Numan, John Cale, The English Beat, Concrete Blonde, General Public and Fine Young Cannibals. He is not, in all honesty, nearly as relevant today as he was in the 1980s but, as far as Your Mama is concerned, he's more than earned his place in the pantheon of music industry bigwigs.

Property records show Mister Copeland, now in his sixties, paid $750,000 for his slightly less than 2.5 acre wonderland in March of 1983. He bought the funky and somewhat fetid-looking estate from Emmy-winning actor, noted orchid cultivator and closet homosexual Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Ironside) who occupied the estate for an unknown number of years with his long-time man-friend Robert Benevides.

Listing information shows the pale pink and white Andalusian-style main house measures 7,486 square feet. Floor plans included with marketing materials show the three story residence encompasses 15-rooms with 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, 5 fireplaces, 2 kitchens, scads of staircases and more damned stained glass than Chartres Cathedral.

The mansion, originally built in 1923, has a rather haphazard arrangement of rooms done up in a vibrant and chaotic stew of jaw-dropping bad but satisfyingly personal day-core that liberally, fearlessly (and probably, thoughtlessly) commingles velvet Art Deco furniture, Arts and Crafts-style stained glass, vintage pottery, Egyptian artifacts, wall murals and children's artwork. Sprinkled throughout are teddy bears, heaps of house plants, hulking Gothic pieces with intricate and delicate carved details, religious doo-dads, King Arthur-ish bric-a-brac, oil paintings that depict bright Medieval scenes and various vases and urns that over flow with knick-knacks and more house plants. It's just awful, an honest-to-goodness hot mess if you look at it with Elle Decor eyes. But, looked at another way, as a manifestation of Mister and Missus Copelands' complex inner most decorative desires, it's rather magnificent. We could never live here and would probably need a nerve pill just to walk through the front door but we none-the-less applaud and fete the Copelands' complete and utter disregard for the rules and strictures of good taste and proper interior day-core as practiced by past and present masters like Sister Parish, Thierry Despont and Peter Marino.

The property can be accessed by way of two gated entrances on two different streets, which is perfect for those who need to elude the paparazzi. The top level entrance hall, lit naturally by a large stained glass sky light and cluttered with an orderly cacophony of columns, objet and and house plants, funnels guests into a vast 1,000-ish square foot "formal" living room that features a built-in window seat, Juliet balcony and massive fireplace with carved wood, stone and gilded details. Oh, and stained glass, there's lots of stained glass in the living room. If the over-stuffed entry didn't clue a person in to the incongruous and often competing decorative motifs in store for them at Chez Copeland, then the chic Paris flea market meets a decidedly frumpy West Covina yard sale style seen in the living room should hammer it home like a sexually frustrated drill sargeant in a foul mood.

Art Deco once again meets Nebraska grandma in the "formal" dining room where the children will note the pink orchid set prominently on the dining room table. Anyone whose been hanging around here very long knows that Your Mama is not a huge fan of the orchid. In fact, we hate them. They have become, quite frankly, a ubiquitous and annoying decorative cliché. In this case, however, the orchid is not only acceptable it's goddam perfect given former owner Mister Burr's noted cultivation of said flower.

A tiny kitchen, a kitchenette really, just off the dining room is fine for making tea and pouring cereal but is hardly the sort of thing one expects to find in a multi-million dollar mansion in Tinseltown. There is another, slightly larger (and ass-ugly) kitchen impractically located two floors down. There does not appear, according to floor plans we peeped, to be a dumbwaiter which surely means Mister and Missus Copeland probably have a house gurl and/or valet with extremely muscular haunches toned by hauling meals and dinnerware up and down two flights of stairs every time someone wants a damn meal.

The 800-plus square foot main floor master suite can be accessed either awkwardly through the kitchenette or less awkwardly by way of a long stained glass-lined hallway off the foyer that features a (dust-collecting) tented ceiling. The master bedroom bulges with Gothic furniture and includes a fireplace and a hulking built in platform bed with thick columns and velvet privacy curtains. Two walk in closets flank the room, a private balcony (accessible through a towering bank of stained glass windows) offers city views and the attached elaborate bathroom looks like the sort of place someone Old World and fussy like the pope might feel comfortable doing his dirty business.

At least two separate staircases connect the main level to the lower level that consists of a garage, office, an additional entry hall, three guest/family bedrooms (two with private cans plus a third one in the hall), and a large den with pegged wood floors and heavy mis-matched drapery that look like champagne-colored ballgowns someone tacked up over the windows in an effort at financial modesty. Arched French doors that lead to a Gaudi goes to Morocco souk-like solarium stuffed with candles, more house plants and a flotilla of vintage pottery.

Two more separate staircases descend one more level to more intimate family quarters where the walls and even the curving breast of the corner fireplace in the family/entertainment room are completely covered with children's artwork. To one side of the family room is a home theater with another fireplace and on the other a game room (also with fireplace) acts as passage to the mansion's inconveniently located service areas that include a laundry room, full bath and aforementioned ass-ugly and hideously outdated kitchen with paneled dining area.

Various terraces lined with potted plants and shaded by thick foliage connect and lead to the various entertainment areas around the property that include a broad flat lawn with fountain, free-form swimming pool and a covered patio perfect for shaded tea on a hot summer day. The hillside grounds are criss-crossed by shaded paths and terraces that connect and lead to various outbuildings that include a 3-room, 1,211 square foot recording studio/office with fireplace and 1.5 bathrooms, a pair of greenhouses where Misters Burr and Benevides grew orchids, and a handful of storage and warehousing facilities that add up to another 1,412 square feet.

The downtrodden estate, tucked into an overgrown section of the Hollywood Hills between the famous Wattles Gardens and the dog-friendly Runyon Canyon were celebs (and Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter) take their pooches to commune with nature sans leash. Mister Copeland's nearby celeb neighbors include rock 'n roll female Cheryl Crowe who owns a multi-residence gated compound just around the corner and fast-tracked actress Amanda Seyfried (Big Love, Mamma Mia, Mean Girls) who recently splashed out $1,850,000 to buy a traditional residence from actor Adam Brody (Gilmore Girls, The O.C., Scream 4), also just around the corner.

listing photos: Michael McCreary Photography for Sotheby's International Realty

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SELLER: Chris Cester
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,135,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few minutes spent looking at some of the more modest new listings in Los Angeles, CA the other day turned up a bewitching but far from flawless little house in the hilly and historic Whitely Heights 'hood. A quick stab and jab around the property records reveals the Spanish-style casa is owned by Australian musician/drummer Chris Cester of the hard rock band Jet. Mister Cester, in his early 30's and a new father, has his humble house in the Hollywood Hills on the market with an asking price of $1,135,000.

Your Mama understands that many Americans will not know Jet's music–think AC/DC mixed with The Rolling Stones and spiced with a loud whisper of Nirvana–nor will they recognize Mister Cester's name. However Mister Cester (and his band mates) are certainly well known Down Under for their slim hips, (faux-)dirty good looks and rock star style antics.

Our entirely unscientific research on the interweb shows that Jet's first album (Get Born, 2003) was a success while their two subsequent albums (Shine On, 2005; Shaka Rock, 2008) have not performed quite as well from a commercial point of view. For reasons to which we're not privy, Mister Cester relocated to Los Angeles sometime around 2004 or '05. Since setting down roots stateside he's written a number of original songs used in films (Drillbit Taylor, Spider-Man 3) and television programs (Chuck, CSI: NY).

Property records reveal that Mister Cester acquired his California crib, originally built in 1937, in May 2005 when he paid $1,010,000 for the quirky but fetching house that occupies a tiny triangle-shaped lot tucked into the tail end of a quiet cul-de-sac just above the most touristy stretch of Hollywood near Grauman's Chinese Theater and the Hollywood Wax Museum.

The house is so close to the still-a-bit-gritty heart of Hollywood that should a person be so inclined to walk–and true to cliché almost no one in L.A. is inclined to walk anywhere–its a short stroll to the Hollywood Walk of Fame and all the many velvet rope lounges (Hyde), glitzy restaurants (Katsuya), souvenir shops and stripper-ware stores that line Hollywood Boulevard. Should any of the children ever be in need for a 7-inch Lucite mule with a heart-shaped diamante detail on the heel, Hollywood Boulevard between Highland and Vine is the best place to go. Believe it or not there are scads and scores of stores where you can find a blood red patent leather peep-toe thigh-high on this stretch of Hollywood Boulevard. Trust. Just ask distressingly over-processed mother-of-three Shauna Sand who even wears her pole-worthy ankle-breakers to the damn beach.

Anyhoo, the Los Angeles County Tax Man shows Mister Cester's residence in Whitley Heights has only one floor, measures 1,414 square feet and includes just one bedroom and 1 bathroom. It seems that some improvements/additions have been made to the interior spaces since listing current information indicates there are three bedrooms and two small but glammy bathrooms in an unknown number of square feet. Listing information also states that there's a "beautifully built out basement pool table + size rm.," whatever that means.

The cozy–meaning petite–living room has original wood floors, crown moldings, windows that stretch almost all the way to the floor and a brick fireplace awkwardly tucked into a corner of the room where it's rendered all but pointless. We're not sure why the original architect or a subsequent owner didn't have the fireplace repositioned at a 45-degree angle. Any moe-ron with a vague sense of spatial relationships can plainly see that turn the firebox to face the room and make it a focal point–dontcha just hate that word?–rather than an unsightly architectural wart.

Mister Cester and his baby momma–whomever she may be–did up their historic house with a fearless and funky, 1940s Hollywood glamor-tinged day-core. In the living room a butch antler chandelier gets casually juxtaposed against and double-wide lounge chair with over-scale but still dainty paisley print, a 1970s shag rug, and a pair of flamboyant gilded rococo mirrors, one so large it just leans up on the wall and keeps the ugly little fireplace in the corner company. We just love those deep- and loose-pile shag rugs. They're so porn den and cocaine that they'll always have a place on the universal decorative mood board. However, when we consider the nonsense and bacteria that gets trapped in them–think dog butt and the loogie you dragged in from the sidewalk–we say, "Nay." The ugly icing on that cake is our imperious house gurl Svetlana who drops to the floor in a high-pitched convulsive rebellion when we so much as hint at bringing an impossible to keep clean '70s style shag rug into our house.

The dado-encircled dining room, just big enough for an intimate dinner party, has wood floors and what looks to Your Mama like a dee-voon blue Venetian glass chandelier. The dining table, a kooky concoction comprised of a thick glass table top that sits on two squat fluted columns, is surrounded by upholstered chairs that include a pair of wing back captain's chairs upholstered in a nearly weird toile-like fish-print pattern that we love like the dickens. It would work perfectly as a duvet in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's vaguely nautical master bedroom.

The adjoining kitchen, downright closet-sized compared to the sorts of colossal cookeries that get installed in most upscale homes nowadays, retains the home's original 1930s ambiance with a black and white tile floor laid on a 45-degree angle, an old-skool O'keefe & Merritt range and built in corner china cabinets in the compact but cute breakfast nook that has huge windows on three sides.

Outdoor areas include a walled dining/lounging courtyard at the rear of the house and at the front a multi-level deck with built in seating was carefully built around the thick trunk of what may or may not be a messy messy messy rubber tree. Jeezis, Mother of God rubber trees are the worst. Don't any of you environmentalist get all bossy now because Your Mama loves a goddam tree just as much as the next tree hugger. We just don't like rubber trees. They grow like a weed, require constant lacing and they constantly drop a gooey substance that pretty much renders any thing underneath it filthy and sticky. We digress...A spiral staircase climbs up from the deck to somewhere–we don't know where it leads–and a flat backyard large enough to sink a swimming pool is walled and ringed with trees and shrubs that appear to provide some if not complete privacy. Parking can get competitive in these compact nooks and crannies in the Hollywood Hills so it's good to note that the house includes a two-car attached garage plus additional (and shaded) off-street parking for two more autos under a vine-entwined pergola at the far end of the yard.

Other famous but relatively low-profile peeps who own homes in pretty Whitley Heights include film and music video director (and Tinseltown scion) Roman Coppola, heavenly actress Busy Philipps (Cougartown), comedienne Caroline Rhea and hospital drama denizen Ellen Pompeo (Grey's Anatomy).

listing photos: Rodeo Realty

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SELLER: Barbara Davis
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,885,000
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week a little birdie whispered to Your Mama that Los Angeles doyenne Barbara Davis–octogenarian widow of oil and entertainment tycoon Marvin Davis–wants to move house. Sho enuf, puppies, her condo crib in a Wilshire Corridor high-rise near Century City in Los Angeles was just listed with an asking price of $1,885,000.

Helmet-haired charity types know the formidable but friendly Miz Davis as the she-rah behind the long-running bi-annual Carousel of Hope Ball, a lavish fundraiser for childhood diabetes that the L.A. Times once described as the "biggest, richest, puttin’-on-the-ritziest, arguably most successful and longest-running good-deed society event in town."

Tabloid and gossip glossy readers best know Miz Davis as the wealthy grand-muhmaw of a Tinseltown club hoppers and frequent trouble makers Jason and Brandon Davis. And, of course, the real estate fiends out there recognize Miz Davis as the gem-encrusted former chatelaine of The Knoll, a hulking Roland Coate-designed mansion perched on a gated 10-plus acre promontory above Beverly Hills, CA. The 25,437 square foot Georgian mansion was originally built for wildly wealthy widow Lucy Doheny Battson who moved from the legendary and even larger Greystone estate next door. The Knoll has had a succession of high-profile owners since the Doheny-Battsons including Oscar-winning producer Dino De Laurentis and country king Kenny Rogers who sold the high-maintenance estate in 1984 for $20,250,000 Mister and Missus Davis.

The Davis fortune was was once estimated to be as high as five or more billion bucks but the financial gossips have more recently pegged their shrinking fortune to somewhere in the neighborhood of half a billion clams, still wildly rich by any standard except that of someone who used to be worth five billion big ones.

After Mister Davis went to meet The Great Speculator in the Sky in 2004, The Knoll was put up for sale with an elephantine asking price of $59,000,000. It was sold in early 2005, according to property records, for $39,352,500 to tool and die tycoon Eric Smidt. Mister and Missus Smidt, who own one of the largest multi-parcel spreads in the steroidal Beverly Park community, hired mega-mansion specialists Hablinski + Manion to transform the white-brick Georgian into a Regency-style residence of epic proportions. The children may find it interesting to note that the 2008 taxes on The Knoll–which may or may not still be called The Knoll–ran a staggering $436,505.71 according to public records.

Anyhoo, in perfect west coast style, after Miz Davis sold The Knoll in 2005 she reportedly moved into a bungalow at the casually elegant (and sort of campy) but always fashionable Beverly Hills Hotel, which her husband, dontcha know, once owned. Eventually Miz Davis tired of hotel living and moved to The Wilshire apartment tower along the Wilshire Corridor near Century City. Title records show Miz Davis purchased the pad in May 2006 for $2,295,000, a number that means that even with a full-price sale Miz Davis faces a significant $410,000 loss.

This is not the first time Miz Davis has donned her silver lamé cowboy boots and rode the mechanical bull at this particular honky tonky; She's had her condo at The Wilshire on and off the market since March 2010. Current listing information shows the mid-floor unit measures 2,257 square feet–probably smaller than her bedroom at The Knoll–and includes 2 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms.

A private elevator landing furnished with a rococo console–or maybe it's baroque, what do we know?–matching mirror and a framed photograph of Mister and Missus Davis sets the stage for the black and white marble floored foyer and main living spaces that include a "formal" living room with floor to ceiling windows, white wall to wall carpeting, flat-screen tee-vee mounted above the fireplace, built-in bookshelves and glass doors to the balcony. The day-core, somewhat particular to agéd west coast society matrons , mixes "modern" things such as the white roll-armed sofas and glass and chrome coffee table with fussy and stuffy 18th- and 19th-century antiques (and antique reproductions).

The black and white marble floor in the foyer continues down the long thin corridor that leads to the bedrooms as well as into Miz Davis's dining room furnished with a blackamoor or two, florid giltwood mirror and gilt-accented dining room chairs. Glass doors open the room to a small planted terrace with panoramic views. The dining room connects to the perfectly serviceable and well-equipped if out-dated galley-style kitchen with adjoining service entrance and laundry room.

It appears to Your Mama that Miz Davis uses the second bedroom–with private en suite facility–as an office which would be a far better place for the gigantic treadmill she has sitting right up next to her bed in the the master suite. Listen, children, Miz Davis is an old woman and we applaud her for getting herself some goddam exercise instead of just sitting around letting her bones go brittle. However, we just don't know how a person–particularly one who fancies herself a refined lady of dignity and elevated social stature–can close their eyes and drift off to a peaceful slumber with that body torture device looming over them in the most menacing of manners. In addition to the treadmill–which we imagine Miz Davis will take with her–the master bedroom includes built in bookcases, two walk-in closets and a beige marble and mirrored bathroom with two sinks and separate shower and jetted tub.

The Wilshire building, 27 stories tall and built in 1990, offers its well-heeled residents the ease and convenience of condo living in a city where high-maintenance landscaping is de rigueur and white-glove services that include doormen, on-site parking with valet services, 24-hour concierge and fitness facilities that include a swimming pool. Former famous residents of the building include Farrah Fawcett and Charlie Sheen.

Miz Davis and her Real Estate face some stiff condo competition right in her own building where a 2,084 square foot unit with 2 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms carries a price tag of $1,999,000. Another unit with 2,776 square feet, 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms is currently listed at $1,885,000.

We hear through the high-society gossip grapevine that Miz Davis is considering a move two blocks down the road to The Carlyle Residences where–we're told by a snitch we'll call Willie Wilshireboolayvard–showbiz widda Candy Spelling recently leased temporary digs. Miz Spelling, currently in the process of selling her white elephant in the Holmby Hills for somewhere around eighty million clams, needed a place to camp out while the interior fittings of her new 16,000-ish square foot penthouse at The Century are completed.

listing photos: Unlimited Style Real Estate for Sotheby's International Realty

type='html'>Music and entertainment mogul Sean Combs–or P. Fiddle or Daddy Diddle or Puffy Poppa or whatever damn name he calls himself nowdays–heaved his big ol' mansion in supah-swank Alpine, NJ on the market with an asking price of $13,500,000.

Mister Daddy Puff purchased the 3.25 acre estate in the celebrity friendly 'hood in July 2004 for, according to prop records, $6,000,000. Listing information for the approximately 17,000 square foot red brick center hall Colonial shows it contains 26 rooms total with 7 bedrooms and 9.5 bathrooms.

Celebrity-style amenities include a swimming pool with waterfall, spa, tennis court, fitness room, movie theater, garaging for at least 6 cars, and an indoor squash court.

New Jersey gets a bad rap–can you say Real Housewives of New Jersey and Jersey Shore?–but the tiny enclave of Alpine consistently ranks among the top most expensive zip codes in the country. Some of the other past and present residents of Alpine include The Jonas Brothers, comedians Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, and lady rapper/plastic surgery aficionado 'Lil Kim.

aerial photo: Bing

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SELLER: Regis Philbin
LOCATION: Greenwich, CT
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 5,919 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just between us chickens, Your Mama would rather walk bare-footed over jagged glass than discuss the real estate activities of retiring morning chat show host Regis Philbin. We know he's an accomplished and beloved showbiz icon, a real jocular ol' feller with four Daytime Emmy awards plus another 30 nominations. None the less, we find him to be like, well, chewing on tinfoil when you have a mouthful of metal fillings. How-evuh, we can't tell you the number of requests we've received the last couple days regarding the mansard-roofed mansion in Greenwich, CT he and the Missus recently plopped on the market with an asking price of $3,800,000.

So, in the interest of keeping the kids happy...

Property records reveal that Mister and Missus Philbin acquired the 6.02 acre estate at the tail end of Meeting House Road in May 1992 for $2,500,000. The house, a vaguely Second Empire style thing, measures 5,919 square feet and includes 5 fireplaces according to property records. The stately but somewhat squat looking residence contains a total of 4 bedrooms and 5 full and 3 half bathrooms including a second floor master with fireplace and his and her facilities.

The front door, recessed into the brick façade opens to a foyer with Parquet de Versailles style wood floors has a curving staircase with elliptical gallery. Interior spaces include a lemon chiffon-colored formal living room with marble fireplace mantel, formal dining room and a library/office. There are two family rooms, both with fireplaces. One has a built-in wet bar and the other a built-in entertainment center that holds a large flat screen tee-vee.

The eat-in kitchen has tile counter tops, older but high grade appliances, center island with snack bar and (empty) pot rack, chestnut colored raised panel cabinetry with some glass fronted uppers and French doors the open to the covered patio with blue stone pavers and a lot of wicker furniture with floral cushions.

The expansive grounds include a circular drive, a side motor court, broad lawns and thick stands of mature shade trees. A large gazebo and deck stands between the swimming pool and tree-ringed tennis court.

Mister Philbin and his Missus Joy first attempted to unload their Meeting House Road residence in 2008 when it was listed with a $5,900,000 price tag. This was just before the real estate markets tanked, which may or may not have had something to do with the Philbin's taking the property off the market. In May 2011 the French-Colonial style crib was re-listed at $4,195,000, a number that has since been sliced to $3,800,000.

Mister and Missus Philbin own a second Greenwich estate with less land but a larger house. The couple also maintain a residence in Manhattan, a high-floor three-unit combo-condo with 4,027 square feet at the Park Millennium building on the Upper West Side where other high profile peeps in residence include shock jock Howard Stern and Oscar-nominated actor Liam Neeson who recently added to his multiple holdings in the building.

listing photos: Sotheby's International Realty